Than several weeks as a sheep... I can't sleep... I'm trying
To stay awake... cause one day... is all that I may have
So I must bare my teeth and growl... stand my ground to make it last.
MB 11:30 PM
My daughter told me today that her favorite animal was a bear. I asked, "What kind of bear Ky? A grizzly bear, a polar bear, a brown bear or a panda bear?"
She smiles one of those smiles that says she's a happy little girl and says, “A nice bear." So I thought for a moment and replied, "I'm not sure there are any nice bears." Without any hesitation she says, "Yes there is, Brother Bear is a nice bear."
She tried to tell me who Brother Bear was but I am still not clear on that. I'd like to find out. What I know is her favorite animal is a bear and in particular a nice one who's name is Brother Bear.
I then told her my favorite animal was a lion and her eyes got wide. I asked, “Do you like lions?" and she shook her head from left to right with a drawn out answer of one word, "Nooooo!"
"Why not?", I asked her. She said, “Because a lion might bite me!" She put extra emphasis on the last two words. I watch her as she squirms in her chair.
"Well I guess you're right. A lion might bite you. But so would a bear Ky!," I stated matter-of- factly. "Not Brother Bear, " she says as she shakes her head from left to right again. "No I don't suppose Brother Bear would bite you. That wouldn't do. I guess not."
I think about Brother Bear. A friendly bear who seems to have captured my daughter's heart. I'd like to see this Brother Bear. He interests me as he is part of my little girl in a way. A piece of her childhood. The childhood that I am not around to share with her. I want to know and learn about every piece of her childhood. Every single piece. I want to know it.
I wonder if this is the character to replace Barney the big purple dinosaur my younger sister loved when she was a child. Or, is this Brother Bear more of a Babar the elephant? A cartoon? Or is he only a character in a children's book?
"Hmmm...Ky, I'll tell you why I like lions. Because a lion is an animal that symbolizes strength and freedom to me. They seem calm even when they aren't. They never seem nervous or afraid in their natural environment. They have pride and I think a lion is honorable."
" A lions job is to protect his family and the rest of his pride, especially the little lion cubs while the adult female lions hunt for food. But my favorite thing about the lion is how beautiful he is. He is very masculine and powerful, yet quite beautiful. A lion has heart Kyla, and heart is something you have to have. Heart is very important."
"But he might bite me!", she reaffirms her former statement with the same emphasis, only this time watching me and waiting for me to agree.
I reach for her little hand. "Let me see your hand Kyla." She reaches out to mine. I flatten my hand out with my palm facing up and she puts her little hand inside of my own. Its so small in comparison. Her skin is perfect.
I curl my fingers around her little hand. Her skin is soft. Mine is rough. Her little knuckles are so small and delicate. They are unscathed. Mine are large and ugly. My past is visible with each scar on the ridges and sides of each knuckle.
She will never know my scars. She is precious and she cannot know these scars. I don't want her to ever know scars. I want her hand to stay just as it is in all it's soft and delicate perfectness.
I look at her and I am still holding her hand in mine. She is looking at our hands together. She is smiling. I don't want to let her hand go. I am happy but I am sad. Happy because my little girl is in front of me. She is in front of me and she is smiling. She is beautiful and she is precious. She is all that I have. Her hand is in mine. Her hand is in mine and she is smiling. That is why I am happy.
But I am sad too, because it cannot stay this way. I cannot hold on forever. The moment is only temporary. It is evanescent. Our hours are few and our time together will end soon. I know this as I am conscious of every passing minute. I don't have enough time. I don't have enough time because I have so much time. It isn't fair. That is why I am also sad.
I look at her smiling. My little girl. She is only a little girl. Her little legs hang over the edge of the chair too short to reach the ground. They just hang there. I look at her little legs. Her green pants come down just short of her little shoes. She is wearing pink socks and white shoes with little diamonds around them. She is just a little girl and she doesn't understand. I don't understand either. If only I would've understood. Things would be different now. If only...
What she said about a lion runs through my head. "But he might bite me." She's the cutest little thing. You'd just have to meet her. I smile but my eyes begin to water and I struggle to regain control of my emotions. I don't want to be weak right now I told myself. A lion would not cry.
I speak to Kyla in my head so she doesn't hear me. "No Kyla, I would never bite you. I promise. I love you. Some lions are gentle." After I speak my thoughts I let her have her hand back. Immediately I feel the impulse to reach out for it again. I want her little hand back, but I resist the urge and stare down at my own empty hand.
I look at Kyla's mother in the chair to my left. She reaches out and touches my head and smiles at me. I think she understands what I am feeling. I think she sees it. Then Kyla says, "I wish we could play shoots and ladders with Daddy." I look back at Ky who is looking at her mother. Then I begin to think that I was wrong....Yes, a lion would cry right now. All the lions in the world would cry right now I thought. A lion would cry and this Brother Bear, I'm sure that he would also cry. Even Brother Bear. Especially Brother Bear.
No comments:
Post a Comment